An insidious state of mind
“This entry is a reflection of the fact that I have not a lot to say these days, even though my mind is constantly cooking up new thoughts, some completely original, others a re-hash (pardon the pun) of old thoughts from here and there, spiced up, shaken (not stirred) and otherwise altered to appear wholly fresh and new.
From ideas bar… What do you love in life?
At the moment, not much of anything, although that has not always been the case. That’s the problem with depression — one loses all sense of excitement and enthusiasm.
Oh, there is an occasion flash, a puff of brightly coloured smoke to charge the moment, but it is quickly lost as the mists of sadness close in and swallow the smoke, reducing it to a grey film of sameness.
Even the thought itself is depressing.
If I remember correctly, Leo Tolstoy suffered from depression. I think he took himself up to his study while the rest of his family lived vibrantly all around him. He wrote about it, and then one day, he suddenly came back to a life without depression, re-involving himself with his family, his writing, his imagination and so on.
When does that happen to me, and why or why not now?
I will spend some time reading up on these articles and Leo Tolstoy. I’ve read both of his greatest novels, War and Peace, written between 1863 and 1869, and Anna Karenina (1877). It was between the writing of these 2 great novels that he suffered bouts with depression.
Isn’t this amazing that one can go from not having much to say, to reading a simple prompt (in this case, ‘What do you love in life?’) and on to what appears to be an unrelated subject, in this case, depression and the author Leo Tolstoy. And my bouts and struggles with depression.
The prompt has led me too, to several pages with details and biography on Leo Tolstoy and his novels. It reminds me that I should re-visit Gutenberg and download translations of his novels. I think I will do that today. I can add them to Calibre and read them at leisure.”